I keep trying to put into words how much he’s truly done for me, but I can’t seem to do it. It hurts whenever someone says something bad about him. It hurts me because of everything he’s done and helped me with, but I can’t seem to disagree with anyone. Because it’s all so true. He’s a tool, he’s a jackass. It’s true at this point. I don’t know why it’s come to be that way, but there it is I guess. I fucking hate it. I hate sitting two seats away from him and not even talking to him. I hate walking past him every day without even a glance towards me. Maybe some eye contact and a small smile occasionally but that’s IT. It fucking sucks to have your best friend drop you like it’s nothing. The funny thing is, nobody even knew we were best friends, or even good friends for that matter. But our conversations were what made us best friends, what we helped each other through. I hate not having him in my “group of friends” anymore. I’d honestly rather hang out with him than any of the others, with the exception of Alaina and maybe a few others. I’m not trying to put my friends in some kind of rating or order, I just mean. I don’t know what I mean. I’m lucky to have a lot of friends. I am. But I’m just not happy without him there. It’s like I’m miserable all of the time because he doesn’t talk to me anymore. I find that so pathetic and I feel pathetic but it’s just when someone means so much to you, you just CAN’T let them go. It’s like, he SAVED me. Multiple times. With his words and his actions and his persuasion and just being there. He understood me, he understood what I felt, and he felt the same way too sometimes. I wish I could move on from this obviously failed friendship but I can’t. I don’t know how to. I just need him in my life, I need him to be my best friend, because without him, I feel useless. I really do. It’s not like I have feelings for him or anything like that, it’s just that I care for him so much. He’s one of the three people I’d take a bullet for, honestly. This is simply rambling and I’m repeating myself but it’s all the truth. I don’t know how to express myself and it’s unhealthy. I just miss him more than anything.